Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Alice in Chains

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself of late. What, with the digestive system that is all but ceased to work and the WIDE LOAD sign that is permanently adhered to my backside. Not to mention the sheer spectacle I must be getting out of bed in the middle of the night (which is something that happens quite often). The only thing I can compare it to is a morbidly obese woman trying to squeeze herself into an extra small wetsuit. Every time I find myself maneuvering from my side, surrounded by pillows, to my hands and knees, backing off of the bed, I hear Claree Belcher from Steel Magnolias in my head saying, "It looks like two pigs, fightin' under a blanket." It's a real confidence booster.

I was humbled today by an unsettling sight at my perinatalogist appointment. I was sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by high risk pregnant women, playing with my phone when I heard chains rattling and the door to the examination area open. Out waddled a very-pregnant, cute woman in her late twenties. She looked like someone I might have lunch with except for one minor detail. She was wearing a blue jumpsuit with numbers on the back and had chains around her waist that were attached to handcuffs as well as chains bound around her ankles. Oh, and she had a uniformed, armed police officer guiding her by the arm. So, for the next two weeks, when I get the urge to complain about my stagnant digestive system or my soar lower back, I will think of Alice (that's the name I've given her). She has to eat prison food and walk with chains. She doesn't have the luxury of sending her husband out at 9:45pm to get her a bag of Cadbury chocolate mini eggs and she has to maneuver her ample arse out of a cot to pee on a stainless steel toilet in the middle of the night (I realize this may not be entirely accurate but humor me. I get all of my prison info from Oz). Somehow seeing Alice with my own two eyes made the whole situation clear to me. Sure, I know about those Vietnamese women who give birth standing up in a rice field and go right back to working. We ALL know about those women but they don't resonate with us because we can't see them. Alice, she resonated. She made a lasting impression. I guess I've got it pretty damn good.

Friday, February 20, 2009

It's a Bird. It's a Plane. It's OCTOMOM!

I know I might be a little obsessed but I can't help myself. Let's just blame it on my hormones. It's a blanket justification for anything I do. I might as well take advantage of it while I can. Check out this video . A non-profit has offered Octomom (this name kills me by the way) some incredibly generous help that would truly assist her children without delving into taxpayer money. They offered this a week ago and she has yet to respond. What gives? Is she nuts? Do I really need to ask that question?

And, she's looking at houses in the 1 million dollar plus range. Are you kidding me? I grit my teeth as I write this and I want nothing more than to meet her on the street and shake her until the collagen drains out of her lips. I have other fantasies that involve superfly ninja moves but I'll keep those to myself. Thoughts?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

So Many Details…

20 days and counting until the next Hale child makes her arrival into this world. Hard to believe. Right now my hope is that I make it to the scheduled date (March 11) so that I can avoid labor altogether. My daughter was not cooperative. She arrived a little over a week before my scheduled C-section and I was not prepared for labor. It really sucked. I'm hoping for a highly sterile, pain-free delivery. They'll be no doula, no midwife, no spiritual experience, no breathing exercises. I'm over that nonsense. We high-riskers don't have any birthing options and I choose to embrace my fate. Give me an OR and a gurney any day over a baby pool in my living room with Cat Stevens playing in the background. Puh-lease.

In the meantime, here's a little blogworthy randomness:

  • For those of you unaware, Nadya Suleman, the mother of those now-infamous octuplets, has started a fund-raising website. In case you were wondering, yes, all major credit cards are accepted.
  • I've decided my favorite part of pregnancy is the fact that there is absolutely no need to suck in my gut at any time, ever. It's a glorious thing, really. I'm going to miss that the most. Well, that and the kicks. I do enjoy the kicks when they aren't too intense.
  • The Oscars are coming up this weekend and I have seen nary a nominated movie. There was a time in my life when I would have seen them all. That time has passed. It makes me a little sad. I'm rooting for Mickey Rourke. I want to see him thank his dog again.
  • My daughter has to go to school dressed up as a character from a Mother Goose nursery rhyme next week. Any ideas? I'm at a loss and I refuse to spend any money.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

British Invasion

I was doing my best to get some editing work done this evening while I waited for dinner to cook so, being the fantastic mother that I am, I sat my kids down in front of the TV, turned it to PBS and went to park my arse in front of the computer. About 20 minutes later, I kept hearing uproarious laughter coming from my son and a few giggles from my daughter. Excellent, I thought, PBS must really know what kids like. A couple minutes later my son ran into the kitchen (where my desktop is) and said, "Mommy. You have got to see this hilarious movie we are watching." I went in to find my kids mesmerized by Are You Being Served?

I guess we've got a backup show when the cartoons run out. I wonder when the appropriate time to introduce, Keeping Up Appearances to the kiddos is.

Not Your Run-of-the-Mill-Recliner


My Grandmother has one of those chairs that looks like a normal, average, everyday recliner but in fact is so much more. With just the push of a button, it rises slowly and places her in an upright, standing position. My kids think it is the coolest thing ever. When we visit, they are constantly asking her for "rides." She is usually happy to oblige. I need one of those chairs right about now. That and a Craft-matic Adjustable bed and I'll be set for the next four weeks.

The baby is set to arrive on March 11. I'm going to try to keep up the blog a little better for the next few weeks.