Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Forget Mexico!

We've got a border dispute right here in the great state of Tennessee and I could not be more amused by our Mayor's response.

Mayor Littlefield, will you marry me?

Many thanks to Jacquelyn for drawing this proclamation to my attention.

Paper Airplanes

I officially entered the ranks of Grand Poohbah Mommydom today when I made my son the best paper airplane ever, using no tape, staples or glue. Yes, I rock. Where did I find the instructions to make said plane? Wikipedia. Where else? It flies easily, in a straight line, from one end of my formidable kitchen to the other. I can't wait to throw it at my husband when he walks in the door and say, "In your face former Boy Scout and king of all improvised homespun creations!"

In other news, I was forced to go a full 24 hours without my DVR. The hard-drive was fried in our recent thunderstorm and I found myself on the verge of a panic attack last night when I tried to access this week's episode of Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant and was denied with an error message. The humanity! I called DISH Network immediately and they sent another receiver to me which was just delivered, via UPS, a mere 24 hours later. Go DISH! Go UPS! Go all major brand name products (hire me please. I'm a really good promotional writer. See? See?)! It's a good thing my DVR is back up and running. I was going to call my doctor for some anti-anxiety meds if I had to wait another 24 hours.

So, I'm happy to report that I remain Prozac-free and DVR enabled. You can all rest easy tonight.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Monday's Irony

And, for your Monday afternoon, some humor in the Hale house...

I present to you the very definition of ironic:


Thursday, February 21, 2008

A Great Day for Cut

I committed a mortal sin today when I took my 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter to get her long, beautiful hair chopped off. I've been picturing her with a swing bob for a couple weeks now and decided to bite the bullet today. They cut about 4 inches off and she looks a-freakin'-dorable but very different and OLDER.  Check out the before and after pictures of my hip little diva:



Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Suburban Drug Addict

Yep, that's me. After seven years living with an autoimmune disease that spurned some terrible bouts with insomnia, I'm headed straight to the Dr. Phil house. I'll be living with other addicts, facing tough scrutiny from Dr. McGraw as he grills me on what is really under my addiction. I'll do a little role playing and choose my animal totem and have an epiphany about my past. This defining moment will make me realize that my Lupus is just a crutch for my Ambien addiction, "Every rat smells its own hole first, little Missy. Insomnia isn't the problem. It's just a symptom. Ambien is your coping mechanism." Freakin' genius! How could I have been so blind? I can't sleep because I haven't dealt with the issues stemming from my stable, nuclear family, middle class childhood in the suburbs. It has nothing to do with my illness!

I thought I liked Dr. Phil but I see now that I actually despise him on a subconscious level. Who knew?

So I tried to go cold-turkey, ambien free last night. It didn't go well. I slept a total of…. Drum roll please…. 45 minutes! Wahoo! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated today, ready to face the world and parent my children with the boundless energy and happy-go-lucky disposition that a good night's sleep inevitably provides. Bitter much?

I only take ½ of the recommended dose and it helps me sleep, a basic function that my body, along with some help from my neurotic mind, seems to deny me on a regular basis. About a year ago, I had it under control, taking it only 5-6 times/month. Now, I'm dependant on it. I've got to get back to that place that I was 12 months ago. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll take up smoking to cope with the loss of my old friend, Ambien.

Monday, February 18, 2008


Three years ago my husband did a favor for our
friends, Alyson and Chase, when he donned an Elmo suit and performed (I use
this term loosely) for a wild bunch of toddlers at their son’s second birthday
party. The costume was a rental and was clearly not licensed by Sesame Street.
It looked more like Elmo’s shady cousin than Elmo himself and was thus dubbed,
“Schmelmo.” The Schmelmo incident will not soon be forgotten. All I have to do
is conjure up the mental image of my husband in the jacked-up red suit walking
down the hallway and I will be laughing out loud in a matter of seconds.

I was reminded of Schmelmo last Thursday after
having lunch with my friend Jacquelyn. We pulled into the Pizza Hut parking lot
after taking the kids to play and noticed a large purple and green furry blob
standing by a car. Inside the blob was a 20-something kid and there was a
couple close by doing their best to zip up the Barney suit. We caught the tail
end of this process and, even though we both had places to be, we decided
pretty quickly that this scene was not one we could leave. We had to wait it
out. It took a while to get the Barney head on but they did it and we decided,
at that moment, to open up the sliding doors on my van so the kids could check
out the purple dinosaur (they were too busy talking to notice). Jacquelyn and I
got out of the car and waved at Barney. I asked if he would come over and say
hi to my kids. He politely obliged. Upon closer inspection it was clear that
this costume was also not licensed by Barney or any of his cohorts. It was
Schmarney, Barney’s sleazy uncle.

We asked the woman with Barney for an explanation
and she informed us that her child was in preschool across the street and they
were having Barney (her favorite character) personally deliver her valentine’s
gift. OK. That’s pretty sweet. The preschool, like I said, was across the
street and thus begged the question that Jacquelyn asked, “So, is he just going
to walk across the street in costume?”

“No,” nice Mama said, “We’re going to drive him over

Jacquelyn and I watched as they tried to squeeze
Barney into the backseat of their Escalade to no avail. Our kids watched in
horror as Barney jumped in the back like a dog and spread out on the floor. We both
wished that we had brought a camera to document this bizarre scene. My son
piped in and said matter-of-factly, “Mommy, Barney is not wearing a seatbelt.” Touché.
Miley Cyrus and Achy Breaky are in good company now.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Tonsurophobia No More

My son got a hair cut today, a good haircut. A cute, little boy haircut. I have my handsome little boy back! He doesn't look like Eddie Munster anymore with long sideburns and jagged bangs. I am SO happy.

Thank you, Leslie, miracle working hair stylist to the under 10 set!

In other news, my daughter insisted on putting her panties on herself yesterday and walked around the entire day with the leg band around her waist. I tried three times to take them off and put them on the right way and she would have nothing to do with it. Can you say strong-willed child?

Have a great weekend people. I apologize for my blogging apathy this week. It's been a crazy five days!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Slow Blog Day

I'm lacking inspiration today and would like to give a shout-out to New Diva on the Blog for tagging me for this MeMe. She's been working her ass off on a project for, I mean WITH, her son for the past week or so and the results are pretty impressive. Check it out! Here are the rules:

1.  Link to the person who tagged you for this MeMe. 

2.  List the rules on your blog.

3.  Share six unimportant things/quirks/habits about yourself. 

Her goes:

  1. I obsess about my chapped hands in the winter. I'm constantly slathering myself in Crisco-esque lotion and I can often be found snoozing with those ridiculous gloves on my hands. Yes, I'm one of those people.
  2. I am addicted to self-help audiobooks. Got any recommendations? I'm all ears. Literally.
  3. I interviewed a celebrity for the first time today. I was nervous as hell but it went pretty well.
  4. I sleep with one of those eye masks on every night. If I can't find it, I freak. Ask my husband.
  5. I went on a hunger strike as a child while at a summer camp. My mom had to drive up to the camp, midway through the two week stay and take me home.
  6. I desperately want to rely on a day planner but I just can't make myself do it. It's as if I have some kind of an organizational brain block.

Having a slow blog day? Got six things to share about yourself? Have at it!


Friday, February 8, 2008

Marsha Marsha Marsha!

I'd like to take a moment to congratulate my friend and writing colleague, Marsha Brantley, on winning second place in the Writer's Digest Short Story contest! In addition to publication in Writer's Digest, she will receive a big, fat check. Go Marsha! Remember your little writing group when your book hits the New York Times Bestseller's list!

Laurel and Hardy

My son brought home a friend from school today and they are keeping me entertained. They're dividing their time together between concocting and participating in an elaborate contest to find out who has the best job to working on their stand up routine. They started telling, "jokes" in the car on the way home (you and I would probably call them statements but to the kids, they are jokes). Here's an example:

Friend: Oh no! You've got a snake in your sleeve!

Son: Aaahhhh!

That's the extent of it. They laughed and laughed and had the following conversation after that:

Me: Was that a joke?

Friend: Yeah. That's what we do. We tell jokes. T, why are our jokes always about animals?

Son: I don't know. We need to work on that.

Friend: Yeah. We need some new jokes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I may be witnessing the formation of the next Laurel and Hardy (I realized, as I was typing this, that I really don't know who Laurel and Hardy are—pretty sure they are a historically relevant comedy duo but not certain). After much deliberation, I have decided to still include this reference, despite my unwillingness to find out if it's accurate. What can I say? I'm a professional.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, my son won the contest. His job? Axing and digging. He rocks at axing and digging. The prize? A truckload of money. Yep, I'm instilling solid values at an early age.


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Dud

Draw your own conclusions...

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

This is What An...

East Tennessee Snowman looks like.

They're full of leaves and pine needles, their faces are made of river stones and a baby carrot and they wear fire hats (I mean, really, who has a top hat just lying around?). We have to improvise in these parts!


Fond Farewell

I'd like to take a moment to bid a fond farewell to Moving Mama. She was one of my favorite bloggers and a loyal reader of Another Gray Hair. She's making a smart move, focusing on her writing career instead of her less-lucrative blogging career. She's started a new blog called Mommy Writes. All of you writer mamas should check it out.

Best of luck Moving Mama!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Dom Delu-What?

I was just looking through my son's Scholastic Books flyer from school, making my selections when I came across a book by Dom Deluise. Yes, Dom Deluise, sidekick of Burt Reynolds and star of Cannonball Run and Smokey and the Bandit II. The book was published in 1993 so this isn't exactly Thdom
breaking news. It is, however, news to me and follows the annoying celebrity-turned-children's-author trend. We've got Madonna, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jessica Seinfeld, John Travolta, Jay Leno, Billy Crystal and now Dom Deluise. All you need is some name recognition and a kid or two and, voila!, you're a best selling author. I'm not saying that these celebrities are incapable of writing a decent children's book, I'm just saying that a statute of limitations for bestseller-dom would be nice. I mean, really, who's next? K-Fed? Ben Affleck? Tom Cruise?