Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Tonsurophobia Part Deux

My son looks like he’s going to ship out any day now. I woke up to him saying, “Good morning
Mommy” on Monday and took one look at his disheveled, jacked-up,
clearly-a-non-professional-haircut hair and decided then and there that I would
shave it all off that morning. I could
not stand it one more second. He is
such a handsome boy but his hair was completely out of control. So, during breakfast we had a talk. I told him that he could make a choice. I could either take him to a salon and a
stranger would cut his hair (this was gratuitous as I knew he wouldn’t choose
this option) or I could use the clippers and buzz it all off. I asked him, “What do you choose?”

My son’ reply was, “zero.” I explained to him that he had to choose one or the other and, after
much deliberation, he chose the Mom-made buzz cut. Knowing his history of major issues with anything involving his
head, I decided not to waste any time. I prepped the living room, let him choose a movie and decided, with
absolute certainty, that he would have to be restrained in some way. I knew that he would not let me get the
clippers anywhere near his head if he were just sitting in a chair. I’d spend the entire time chasing him
through the house with the clippers in tow. No thanks. So, I placed my
daughter’s high chair in the living room and placed my 4-year-old son in
it. At first it was kind of a novelty
and he thought it was fun to sit in the high chair. As soon as I turned the clippers on, he freaked. He buried his face in the high-chair tray
and braced himself for a torture session at the hands of yours truly.

I worked swiftly and efficiently. I buzz my husband’s hair on a regular basis so I am pretty adept
with clippers. The fact that the noise terrified my son actually worked in my favor. He kept his fingers over his ears instead of
using them to block my access to his head (his usual practice when I attempt to
cut his hair using traditional scissors). I was done in less than 10 minutes and I marveled at my
accomplishment. My son no longer looked
like a little orphan child. He looked
like he was about to enter boot camp. I
kept running my hand over the top of his spiky head and telling him how
handsome he looked. I made him take a
look in the mirror. He liked what he
saw. So did I. I wish that my son didn’t look like he was
seven but I’d take seven over orphan any day.


  1. ohh you are sooo lucky it turned out good! I for years cut zach's hair until one year right before he was to enter kindergarten I proceeded as usually. The end result was a 4 yr. old with a shaved head and a traumatized mom. I will sound like the worst mother ever, but it looked horrible. I did not start out with the intent of giving him a buzz cut, I started giving him a trim and with his unusual amount of "cowlicks" we ( we meaning me it was totally my fault) had to keep cutting shorter and shorter thus ending with the bald effect. I am forever traumatized by this experience and will always go to a salon from now on.

  2. Yeah I dig the buzz cut. I started cutting my own hair 5 years ago. Since my hair only grows in certain places it makes easy cut with no gaurd.

  3. Uncle Chris and Uncle Ben would be so proud of the newest militant little Hale!

  4. High and tight, that's all you have to remember, now, we'll sign him up for the range so he can get qualified on semi-autos as well double action revolvers, Uncle Ben has been dreaming of a 50 caliber snipper's rifle, fully automatic of course, he needs a good off duty weapon, so when your up North the next time, we'll have something a lot more fun to do than visiting The Children's Museum, who needs dinousaur bones when you can make something extinct yourself?

  5. Papa Dale:
    "The Children's Museum, who needs dinousaur bones when you can make something extinct yourself?"
    I LOVE IT!! You are too funny!

  6. My father to save a few bucks, decided to cut my hair one time. He does my brother's hair, so why not? I'll tell you wyh not, They are boys, and I'm a girl. I looked like Ringo Star with the bowl hait cut. About as cool as oh not much!!! I was 7 years old and everyone was telling my mom how hansome her son was. Never mind the fact I wore a sickly amount of pink!

  7. Mental note: do not let Melinda near my kid's head.

  8. Yeah, Uncle Carni, I'm hoping Truman doesn't inheret that "only grows in certain places" trait :)

  9. I live to please Uncle Chris and Uncle Ben. It's my calling.

  10. It is my goal to introduce guns to my son at an early age. It's a healthy hobby after all, endorsed with gusto by Moses with dementia.

  11. Oh, Linda, I had a bowl cut too. At seven years old as well. It was such a disaster! The sad thing is that I'm pretty sure my Mom paid for that cut!