Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Suburban Drug Addict

Yep, that's me. After seven years living with an autoimmune disease that spurned some terrible bouts with insomnia, I'm headed straight to the Dr. Phil house. I'll be living with other addicts, facing tough scrutiny from Dr. McGraw as he grills me on what is really under my addiction. I'll do a little role playing and choose my animal totem and have an epiphany about my past. This defining moment will make me realize that my Lupus is just a crutch for my Ambien addiction, "Every rat smells its own hole first, little Missy. Insomnia isn't the problem. It's just a symptom. Ambien is your coping mechanism." Freakin' genius! How could I have been so blind? I can't sleep because I haven't dealt with the issues stemming from my stable, nuclear family, middle class childhood in the suburbs. It has nothing to do with my illness!

I thought I liked Dr. Phil but I see now that I actually despise him on a subconscious level. Who knew?

So I tried to go cold-turkey, ambien free last night. It didn't go well. I slept a total of…. Drum roll please…. 45 minutes! Wahoo! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated today, ready to face the world and parent my children with the boundless energy and happy-go-lucky disposition that a good night's sleep inevitably provides. Bitter much?

I only take ½ of the recommended dose and it helps me sleep, a basic function that my body, along with some help from my neurotic mind, seems to deny me on a regular basis. About a year ago, I had it under control, taking it only 5-6 times/month. Now, I'm dependant on it. I've got to get back to that place that I was 12 months ago. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll take up smoking to cope with the loss of my old friend, Ambien.


  1. On the serious side, I've dealt with the nicotine addiction, didn't work out well for me, just don't go there, As for your unfounded fear of Dr. Phil, if you do cave and spill your guts to him, try to tell a dull story, or you'll be all over the National Enquirer too!! Now, if your lookin' for help, I used to hang with some guys that would drink two 6-packs before bed, we always slept well, and usually overslept which might have something to do with being unemployed...I digress, anyway, it seemed to work ok, and if you poor beer on your corn flakes in the A.M., it cuts the hang-over time down, also, people at the weekly meetings don't criticize like the good Dr.

  2. Look ... you do what you gotta do to be the best you that you can be. Hang in there and stay away from Phil! :-)

  3. If it means anything at all, I never liked Dr. Phil, that fake know-it-all. And I felt this on a conscious level.
    On a serious side, if you had it under control before, you can undoubtedly do it again. I have a friend who had lupus (note the past tense). She says with a few dietary changes and relaxation, the lupus has left her, and she is now fine. Best wishes to you!

  4. Isn't there some milder drug you can use, to sort of step down usage gradually? What a nightmare. It happens to the best of us, though.

  5. Actually after my insomnia last night, Ambien sounds perfect!
    Your little one looks adorable both ways...the new cut is very cute!

  6. 1. I love the cut, but you're right she looks so so so much older. Kinda breaks your heart that time goes so fast.
    2. I think I could get hooked on Tylenol PM. I don't even know what to suggest, as gawd knows we need our sleep.
    3. Big hate on over here for Oprah and Dr. Phil too, I'll have to blog about that one day. It started with one show... I know, I have issues.
    4. I like the idea of drinking and passing out. What does that say about me?
    5. Love the picture, with the pup. I 'm thinking about caving and getting one too? Bad idea eh?
    6. All caught up! Stay sane!!

  7. Shoot.
    7. Love the new 'look'. I picked one too, but we don't match any more. Sad that. :)