Yep, that's me. After seven years living with an autoimmune disease that spurned some terrible bouts with insomnia, I'm headed straight to the Dr. Phil house. I'll be living with other addicts, facing tough scrutiny from Dr. McGraw as he grills me on what is really under my addiction. I'll do a little role playing and choose my animal totem and have an epiphany about my past. This defining moment will make me realize that my Lupus is just a crutch for my Ambien addiction, "Every rat smells its own hole first, little Missy. Insomnia isn't the problem. It's just a symptom. Ambien is your coping mechanism." Freakin' genius! How could I have been so blind? I can't sleep because I haven't dealt with the issues stemming from my stable, nuclear family, middle class childhood in the suburbs. It has nothing to do with my illness!
I thought I liked Dr. Phil but I see now that I actually despise him on a subconscious level. Who knew?
So I tried to go cold-turkey, ambien free last night. It didn't go well. I slept a total of…. Drum roll please…. 45 minutes! Wahoo! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated today, ready to face the world and parent my children with the boundless energy and happy-go-lucky disposition that a good night's sleep inevitably provides. Bitter much?
I only take ½ of the recommended dose and it helps me sleep, a basic function that my body, along with some help from my neurotic mind, seems to deny me on a regular basis. About a year ago, I had it under control, taking it only 5-6 times/month. Now, I'm dependant on it. I've got to get back to that place that I was 12 months ago. Wish me luck. Maybe I'll take up smoking to cope with the loss of my old friend, Ambien.