Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Pop Tarts and Demons


I wrote this post back in February to save for a rainy day.
Today is one such rainy day:



If you ordered say, blueberry pancakes, at IHOP and the
waitress brought you strawberry instead, would you freak? Would you morph into
a demon and scream at the waitress as if she were an imbecile? Would smoke come
out of your ears? Probably not. You’d do one of two things: A) Bring the error
to the waitress’s attention and politely request the correct dish or B) Accept
your fate and enjoy the strawberry pancakes. But you’re not my son. And the
waitress is not me, on the phone with a doctor from New Hampshire, conducting
an interview for an upcoming article.



It was a pop tart. I gave my son a cherry pop tart instead
of a blueberry one. We were out of blueberry. I loathe pop tarts. They’re
chock full of high-fructose corn syrup and they amount to a nutritionally
worthless breakfast but I keep them on hand for after-lunch treats (my kids
split one) and emergencies. This interview was one such emergency. I called the
doctor on Wednesday. My house was quiet and orderly and I could have conducted
a highly professional interview but he was not in his office and I left him a
message. He called me back yesterday morning and instead of telling him that I
would have to call him back and getting the kids in order, I acted impulsively
and decided to take the interview then. I hauled out the big guns: pop tarts
and Sponge Bob and sat down in front of my computer.  Things started to go south about 10 minutes
in.



My son was not pleased with his cherry pop tart and kept
yelling, “Mommy WHY-DID-YOU-BRING-ME-A-CHERRY-POP-TART-I-DON’T-LIKE-CHERRY.
GET-ME-A-BLUEBERRY-ONE.” This was not said in a kind voice. It reminded me of a
tape I heard in Sunday School in junior high of a man possessed by a demon
named Legion. Not pretty and just a tad distracting. The doctor was gracious
and kind and, best of all, a father of two kids under 5. He kept right on
talking and I kept right on listening, occasionally peeking into the living
room to point at the phone forcibly and give my son the evil eye. As you can
imagine, it was highly effective. My parenting skills, especially under duress,
are off the h-iz-ook.



So, writer Mamas, what’s your strategy for effective and
professional interviewing? Hire a nanny? Invest in a kid-cage? Sound proof
walls? I’m up for suggestions!





14 comments:

  1. Chock full, you goof head.
    I'd go for the cage. And a muzzle.

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  2. I'd go for the sound proof cubical, I'll bet Sean can come up with one that has a dead bolt lock on the inside, if this fails, see if the pharmacist can mix up some blueberry flavored Benadril, that and an ever-clear spiked fruit juicy should do the trick.

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  3. I tried threatening them, throwing tantrums, feigning illness, all to get them to be quiet just so I could get some work done. My younger son had the brilliant idea that I do my work at night, when he was asleep. In the end, they grew up (to become teens), and I regained my life and career. So my advice? Patience...or lock them in the nearest dungeon.

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  4. Thank you Suburban Correspondant. For those of you who didn't see it before I edited it, I wrote "chopped full" because that is what I've been saying for the past 30 some odd years.

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  5. I think it is in their genetic code. Mom is on phone, must make loud, rude demands.

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  6. There is no sure-fire strategy. Try giving the Times Free Press an intelligent (and accurate) quote while on a school bus with 40 2nd graders on the way to Warner Park Zoo...after my receptionist gave a reporter my (EEK! YIKES!) cell phone number during one of my precious few personal days!!! It all turned out okay in yesterday's paper - no misquotes, no misleading information. Miracles do happen! Hang in there!

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  7. There is no sure-fire strategy. Try giving the Times Free Press an intelligent (and accurate) quote while on a school bus with 40 2nd graders on the way to Warner Park Zoo...after my receptionist gave a reporter my (EEK! YIKES!) cell phone number during one of my precious few personal days!!! It all turned out okay in yesterday's paper - no misquotes, no misleading information. Miracles do happen! Hang in there!

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  8. i don't have any children, but DO have three dogs that ALWAYS decide it's time to wrestle (teasing each other with toys that gets one, or all three, to bark at each other, growling, snarling (in playful ways, not serious fighting)) or to try to tease US with a toy by whipping it across the room toward our face whenever we get on the phone...that's when the "that's IT! get outside!" gets quickly muttered under our breath and they get tossed in the backyard (wind, rain, sleet or snow....)....my poor husband works at home and has to deal with this MUCH more than i do. i feel your pain sister!

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  9. I split them up if I can before taking the call. The interruptions in our house are almost always fighting over something stupid. I also try to tell my oldest that the call is for work, so he's not pulling on me for a half an hour trying to get a chance to talk to "grandma."

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  10. Like you, I would have taken the call...because I act on impulse like that...and from what it sounded to me...it seemed like you prepared all that you could...TV and TREATS totally fail proof...dang if it didn't work!
    Next would be to put them in a room opposite of you and lock the door...extreme measures of course! lol!

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  11. Yeah, I would probably try what you did, favorite snack (or, in a pinch - candy (if I had it)) along with a favorite movie. Then I would hide upstairs in the bathroom and hope that the person on the other end of the phone didn't hear any screaming from downstairs.
    Definitely a tough case...but hopefully the doctor would understand if you have kids and don't have the luxury of a nanny.

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  12. ... and stock up on blueberry pop tarts while waiting for them to grow up.

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  13. Sometimes I think our kids are related. Trey is very sensitive to his "demands and requests" as well, and if they are wrong, watch out!!
    I like Papadale's suggestions. Who is he anyway? He is a hoot!! Is he kin to your hubby?
    I know one of our friends in the playgroup has suggestion like a new box of toys for when she gets on the phone, but of course that could be expensive.
    I say, give him some scissors, glue, magazines, and say have at it!! Make something creative. OH, Flarp works wonders for us.
    Good Luck J!! Or hey get him an Ipod?!

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  14. Oh, and just think, this is your last summer, then he will be in Kindergarten. So, you will have some time coming to you real soon. Then, didn't you say Tatum will be in pre-k3, 2 days a week, hello! Wow, 2 days in the am of silence except for you talking and typing away!!!

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