Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Replacement Wife

I just got back from an appointment with a
cardiologist. That’s right, folks, a
cardiologist; a specialist that you should not even consider seeing until you
have been issued your AARP card. The
appointment was made when, at a routine check-up, my doctor discovered a heart
murmur. I have been walking around for
the past two weeks absolutely convinced that I have heart cancer, something I
have never even heard of. 

Facing the prospect of a lethal disease has really changed
my outlook. I’ve been relishing every
holiday moment thinking it was probably my last. I have been extra nice to my kids because I want them to remember
me fondly. I’ve been speculating about
the next Mommy that my kids will have. My husband’s family doesn’t waste time when it comes to finding a
replacement wife. Will she be prettier
than me? Will she treat my kids like
her own? Will she have kids of her own
and banish my son and daughter to the basement where they will befriend mice
and mourn the loss of the Mother that they don’t really remember?  The possibilities are endless and I have considered every one, including the one that has my children joining the Hale-Bop Comet Cult.

My appointment went well. I do not have heart cancer. Instead, like 15 percent of the world’s population, I have a mild heart
murmur. I am scheduled for an
echocardiogram tomorrow which will create an image of my heart. This is just a precautionary measure and I
have been told not to worry. As soon as
my kids go down for their nap I plan to peruse WebMD to diagnose myself with
some rare, grave disease. I must have
something to obsess about. Otherwise I
will have to actually lead a semi-productive life.


  1. I hear that Aileen (our new step....soon to be ex-step grandma) will soon be available. . .
    Don't stress..I am sure all is well.

  2. Is this the same grandma that you drew her name for xmas? Is she out of the picture now? Am I in the drawing now? Anyway this sounds like a chapter of flowers in the attic ( a series of books which I love). Glad you are ok and sorry you have to find something else to stress over. Here are some things you can pretend you have elbow, ear, eyelash, toe, or knee cancer. How about Beta-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase deficiency or Chromosome 18p deletion syndrome. These last two sound very complicated and they would take lots of research so you could spend lots of time worring about these. ( disclaimer the first set of diseases are made up and the other two I have no idea what they are so I apologize if anyone has these. I just googled rare disease and they popped up)

  3. Aunt Becky-
    Another blog for another day. Plus, clearly Aileen is not acceptable wife material.

  4. Melinda-
    Beta-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase deficiency sounds like a good one to obsess over. Or eyelash cancer. I could handle that one.

  5. Glad to hear the cardio-dude didn't find any major problems, good replacements are getting harder and harder to find these days........Seriously, you know we think of you as irreplaceable, and your kids would always be reminded of you by us when we say things like 'THAT OTHER WOMAN' or, "Do you remember all the nasty things she used to write about US???" and, Melinda, your name will be brought up for a vote at the next meeting, just don't be too disappointed if you don't make the grade, it seems the rules are being re-written, and none of us have had a chance to see them yet, the list is hung up at the attorney's office with the rest of Great-Grandpa's Christmas Wish List.

  6. We have so much in common!!! I lOVE webMD!!

  7. Good luck!! My mother is a HUGE hypercondreac. So my whole life she had something wrong with her. There was a point in time when I was making sure my brothers were off to school and diner was made, all that stuff that a nine year old shouldn't have to do. She has "had" allot worse things that you do. I am a little strange, but no super strange cults!

  8. Papa Dale-
    I'm so comforted by the fact that I can count on you to carry on my legacy...
    I want to see that list! Melinda, trust me, you don't want in. You should hear the gift that Grandma Mary (Papa Dale's special lady) requested. It's a gem!

  9. Alyson-
    You know I thought of you when I wrote this!

  10. Linda-
    Don't knock hypochondriacs! Alyson and I might show up on your doorstep infected with the West Nile Virus!

  11. Good Luck w/ everything, sureyly it isn't more than just a heart Murmur. I think my brother has one, born w/ it. You are like me though. I find out news of something and hound around w/ Dusty, it drives him nuts, haha.
    Thinking of you :)