Friday, November 16, 2007

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Hugh Heffner


Our little east Tennessee town has a mall. I use the term "mall" loosely as it has neither a GAP nor a Spencers. We used to have a Spencers but it went out of business. That coupled with the fact that Kmart serves as one of the anchor stores may clue you in on the quality of our shopping center. I was listening to the radio this morning and heard that Santa was arriving at the mall this evening. It was slated to be a big event: Santa would arrive in a horse-drawn carriage and a Christmas dance recital would Rudolph
follow shortly afterwards in the food court. I was optimistic. It sounded fun. And it probably won't be crowded since this is the first I'd heard of it (this is the kind of ego-centric world I live in—If I haven't heard of it, how could it possibly be crowded?).

I called a few friends. We made some plans. I told the kids. Santa? Yay! The Christmas spirit was alive in our house tonight and I was pumped. The temperatures have recently dropped, Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I'm ready to start this holiday season.

How was the event you ask? Here's some things I overheard at the so-crowded-it-made-me-sweat mall festivities.


Kid: Mommy. Look! There's Santa. Why's he so skinny?

Friend: Yeah, what's up with the anorexic Santa?


Kid: Mommy. Who is that? (points to a person in an odd looking deer suit wearing pin stripe pajamas with antlers that hung like hair in his face and a microscopic red nose)

Me: It's Rudolph. (In friend's ear): That's the jankiest Rudolph I've ever seen.


Friend: Did you see that guy with the afro in line to see Santa? Holy smokes. That's a big afro.

Me: I did. I can't stop staring at it.

Friend: It's a woman.

Me: You're right. It is a woman. Wow.

Friend: Ever heard of hair gel?


We left early, right after hitting the Super K for some toilet paper and milk. I guess having a Kmart in the mall is really a blessing in disguise.


  1. Is this North Gate? How funny!
    Were you with "friends" that I know? Cuz I smell a Jacqueline line in there..or two ;)
    Haven't seen Santa yet, but I live in the big ole' city...he's not made his way here yet..

  2. Now I know where to go which mall to hit when I need material for my blog.
    I'm afraid I'm a bit egocentric too - certainly if I've not heard of it, neither has anyone else. Needless to say, I'm often surprised.

  3. My local mall is slightly bigger then yours, but guess what? They aren't having Santa there this year.
    Yep, no Santa. The girl at Customer Service told me it was because there was no interest.
    Weird Weird little town I live in...

  4. Our Santa arrived on a motorcycle this year in our Christmas parade.

  5. Man oh man, I missed the parade up here in the frozen North, didn't even get to laugh at the fat man on the Honda, and, now you tell me Santa has already arrived in beautiful downtown Cleveland, I am totally bummed out, how will I ever get the Christmas Spirit? Wait, that must have been an old age brain fart, I never do get the Christmas Spirit, what was I thinking? Christmas, BAH HUMBUG!!!

  6. Funny. I always get a laugh at a ill suited Santa or one that is obviously not a man but a woman disguised as Santa Clause. In High-School I was one of these Santa's. I remember a kid saying why does Santa have nail polish on?
    My father would always explain it in a genius way. The Santa's at the mall were not actually Santa's but his elves. It was there job to dress up as Sant while the real one was busy packing his sleigh. I thought it was brilliant to look at it that way

  7. two typo's-I'm neurotic and must state that I included two typo's in my comments. First I should have put an ill-suited Santa
    secondly I should have put their instead of their
    I know-so crazy, but it makes me feel better to acknowledge it.:):):)

  8. Holy Holiday Bummer Batman! Hope the rest of your season is more festive and fun!