Friday, November 30, 2007

World's Worst Poet

I've never claimed to be a poet. Nor will I ever. I suck. Sure, I wrote my share of melodramatic prose back in high school and college, including the perennial classic, A Corningware Casserole Dish with a Pimp. I wish like hell I was kidding. But they all stunk. My creative writing professors raved about my fiction but were less enthusiastic at my attempts at the written verse. I just don't have the poetry gene. I can rhyme but it is always a stretch and my attempts at poetry that doesn't rhyme typically end up sounding like the coffeehouse musings of a goth-clad eighth grader.

It is with great humility that I present to you my Christmas poem. I'm doing my darndest to institute some Hale Family traditions this year and this poem is one of them.  It will be accompanied by a package containing an adorable stuffed gingerbread man. Both of my children will receive this instant classic (I'm pretty sure you'll be reading it to your kids on Christmas Eve along with Twas the Night Before Christmas and The Christmas Story) along with their Gingerbread Men on the last day of November. Here goes:

I am your first Christmas gift
Sent here by santa claus
I was delivered by his elves

To keep an eye on you

Santa wants to make sure
you’re nice
And that you always do what’s
I’ll send Him regular updates

About your behavior, day
and night

Please put me to sleep in
your stocking each night
And in the morning when you’ve
You’ll find me hidden
somewhere in your house
With an envelope you’ll need
to open

The note will tell you what
task awaits
You And your family
You must do it together
until it’s complete
So santa can watch with

He’ll use  me to keep tabs on you
And youR sister as well
As long as you’re good and
complete your tasks
Christmas morning will be

So Please Take care of me
I’m santa’s number one guy
And return me to santa on
Christmas eve

And back to the North Pole
I’ll Fly.

Each day, I'll hide the Gingerbread Men in some part of the house with a note attached that gives a simple task that the family has to do together:

  • Make a gingerbread house (OK--not so simple)

  • Go to the parade

  • Watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas

  • Make cookies

You get the idea.  It's not the most  genius or innovative idea I've ever had but I think it will make for a nice little  tradition and one that  includes forced family time. Feel free to steal it, along with my poem. You better do it fast, though, I'm bound to get publishing offers out of this as soon as this phenomenon of a holiday poem is released to the public!


  1. I think this is a great idea. I love traditions of any kind. Hey, I wouldn't knock it, try submitting the idea to Family Fun magazine in their suggestion box. You never know.
    Hey, I am trying something new for Fridays on my blog-stop by and see what you think.

  2. Great idea. I agree with Maribeth – submit it! :-)

  3. What a lovely poem! Sure to go down in history (right alongside Rudolph!). This no nonsense, to the point rendition, is sure to be a big hit.

  4. three snaps, sister, three snaps

  5. Wait! I actually wrote a poem called "Coffehouse Musings of a Goth Clad Eigth Grader!!
    I've been poking around here. Nice blog.